Acknowledging Others

After being at odds for almost a year a friend of mine and I  recently renewed our friendship and the other day he thanked me for something I didn’t even know he appreciated.  He said, “Thank you for encouraging me to go to the workshop a year ago. It really made a difference for me.” This gesture was huge because it was just after that workshop that he had ended our friendship. When he acknowledged that I my support had been important I felt joy.  I felt joy for him for moving forward and I felt joy for myself knowing that he appreciates me still as a friend.

The French have a saying, “La reconaissance de l’homme est la plus grandes des politesses.” This means that acknowledging another person is the greatest thing you can do. Think about it. How do you feel when someone shows appreciation for who you are, how you have influenced them, how you feel,  or simply for your presence on this planet?  If you have a blog or post on Facebook doesn’t that “Like” acknowledgment make you feel good?  And, isn’t receiving a comment even better?  In this electronic world where faces rarely meet, many people have actually developed friendships and appreciation for each other because of their acknowledgments of what they have expressed. I appreciate Les Proctor, my tech/marketing coach, for pointing this out to me and for encouraging me to show acknowledgment electronically.

In coaches training at the Coaches Training Institute  we learned to acknowledge another in a number of ways.

1. Acknowledgments can be thank you’s or compliments. To be really effective they need to be expressed on a personal level.  At the end of each three day training session we would take turns acknowledging each other. Someone might say, “Your awesome intuition, Sally,  is so evident in how you responded to me when I was having my meltdown.  You knew the right questions to ask to get me back on track. Thank you.

But an acknowledgment doesn’t have to be serious. Last  Sunday I had two compliments on the earrings I was wearing.  One was,  “Your earrings are so cool.” Another was,  “I love your earrings.  I wear dinky little earrings because of my short neck but you have given me the courage to try something new.”  I appreciated both compliments but felt more honored by the second.  It made me feel courageous and a bit funky, two characteristics that I like to think describe me.

2.  Acknowledgments can also address feelings and emotions.  When we are listening to others and we let them know that we “hear” them,  they will feel more comfortable with us.   Statements such as “I can’t really appreciate how painful that must have been, and I admire you for your courage” let the other person know that you appreciate what they have told you and that you have compassion for them.

3.  Acknowledging feelings rather than challenging them, even nicely,  serves as validation to the person who has expressed himself.   Two years ago I wrote to a friend encouraging her to come to our high school reunion. She wrote back and told me that she would not be coming because of her dislike of high school and how inadequate she felt during those years.  I emailed back and said that I understood and I mentioned how much the “great cashmere competition” among some of the girls was very painful to me.  A few minutes later she replied saying that she had changed her mind.  With my acknowledging her reason for not coming she felt validated and decided to come.  (And she had a wonderful time at the reunion.)

Acknowledging one another not only shows appreciation and compassion for that person, it helps us to see the best in them and to capitalize on that.  At the beginning of one training weekend there was a person that I had a difficult time tolerating.  By the evening of the third day I was able to honestly say, “Thank you Sara so much for your humor and your vibrant spirit.  Your ability to overcome hardships and setbacks is so inspiring.”  By thinking about her differently I could see her value and recognize that the buttons she pushed in me were my responsibility, not hers.

Remember, “La reconaissance de l’homme est la plus grandes des politesses.”  Who can you acknowledge today?